Two years ago, I told the person who called me her ‘best friend’ that I was going through a rough patch and had to start seeing a psychiatrist. She said ‘oh’, then proceeded to cut contact and try to turn my friends against me. It was another nine months before I realised what was going on. From the bottom of my deep pit it was hard to understand what was going on, most likely because I couldn’t see through the dirt that she was throwing on me.
To this day I remain extremely bitter. Earlier this week I was talking to a friend about it. I asked why nobody really seemed to care, and for the first time I got an answer other than “I didn’t want to get involved”. The bitch was running around telling everyone that her parents were getting divorced – they are still happily married today. Nobody wanted to stop her because they didn’t want to “upset her any further”.
I realise more and more how I am still angry about this. I shouldn’t let her get to me, because that means that she wins. We are civil, at best. She unblocked my facebook account recently, and that bothers me a lot because it now means that she can see certain aspects of my life without having to stalk me through her sister’s account.
I know I seem like any other dramatic teenager, but I still struggle with all of this and I am very bitter as a result. I would be lying if I said that I never retaliated after realising what was going on, but I never told lies and rarely dragged anyone else into it. I do have major trust issues, and still feel very uneasy that my ‘friends’ never stuck up for me, even those who knew she was lying.
I’m sorry for the rant, I just wanted to acknowledge my feelings.
It’s hard to believe that in less than three weeks I’ll be in my final year of GCSEs. The summer is drawing to a close and uniform shopping has really made it crystal clear.
The thing is though, that it’s my last time being ‘here’, because I am not staying in that hellhole of a school for one year longer. I’m moving. I don’t care that everyone will think that I got kicked out because I failed my GCSEs (the school will most likely spin it that way), even though I
am was a top student until I lost the motivation to even try. It’s not like I’m going to miss my “friends”, or the teachers that dragged me deeper into the abyss when I was battling depression.
My motivation this year is that I need at least 7 C grades at GCSE and 95% attendance to go to the school where I want to study my A Levels. Therefore, fuck everyone this year – I am focusing on me. Me, myself and I. Is it selfish? Yes. But sometimes you have to be.
I am going to stay out of fights, complete all my homework, listen in Biology and Religion and revise in the canteen in the morning. I will keep clean and tidy revision notes, and not fret over irrelevant things. And I will get A grades.
I was comparing my stats. In 2014, I had over 12,000 views but more than half way through 2015, I have just over 5,000. I questioned myself “where did I go wrong?” and I realised that I didn’t go wrong, I’ve just had a huge change of direction in my blog. I post a lot less and above all my depression posts are a lot less frequent. People just love a bit of misery.
I’m a lot happier now compared to where I was in 2013 and 2014, and if that results in a drop of views, I’m okay with that.
Belfast Pride was a fabulous day. You should all go someday, I even tried to look less goth like and wore a Lion King hoodie, it’s a start, right?
Ingrown toenails aren’t pretty, deffo. I thought I was gonna die yesterday when the podiatrist tried to perform a partial nail avulsion without local anaesthetic. Don’t worry, I survived to tell you about it. She says that I will probably need a total nail avulsion, but at least this time I will get pain relief and they will apply phenol to stop it returning. Yay?
My dose of fluoxetine has been halved and I’m coming off it all together in a few weeks. All of this without major impact. I thought that I was suffering from “withdrawal” the first day, but it was just a surprise period. I’m curious to see if they become more regular without the fluoxetine.
I’m amazed that I am beginning to live without fluoxetine. While I initially thought that it was the devil, it became my saviour; I was terrified when coming off it was first suggested. Maybe, I will relapse at some point but for now I feel pretty good. I refuse to say that I am cured from depression – I don’t think that’s fully possible – however it’s under control and that’s a good feeling.
Reading: Mary Berry’s Ultimate Cake Book
Listening to: Queen + Adam Lambert Bohemian Rhapsody
Wearing: Long sleeved t-shirt, boyfriend shorts and Adidas trainers
Next Long Sleeved T-shirt – £6.50
Adidas Nizza Lo Trainers – £49
New Look boyfriend shorts – £10 (sale)
Feeling: Pretty good. I have lowered my dose of fluoxetine, but that’s another post.
Sleeping hours: 3am-1pm. Summer sleeping times are weird
Worried about: My blogging activity