Abandonment

Two years ago, I told the person who called me her ‘best friend’ that I was going through a rough patch and had to start seeing a psychiatrist. She said ‘oh’, then proceeded to cut contact and try to turn my friends against me. It was another nine months before I realised what was going on. From the bottom of my deep pit it was hard to understand what was going on, most likely because I couldn’t see through the dirt that she was throwing on me.

To this day I remain extremely bitter. Earlier this week I was talking to a friend about it. I asked why nobody really seemed to care, and for the first time I got an answer other than “I didn’t want to get involved”. The bitch was running around telling everyone that her parents were getting divorced – they are still happily married today. Nobody wanted to stop her because they didn’t want to “upset her any further”.

I realise more and more how I am still angry about this. I shouldn’t let her get to me, because that means that she wins. We are civil, at best. She unblocked my facebook account recently, and that bothers me a lot because it now means that she can see certain aspects of my life without having to stalk me through her sister’s account.

I know I seem like any other dramatic teenager, but I still struggle with all of this and I am very bitter as a result. I would be lying if I said that I never retaliated after realising what was going on, but I never told lies and rarely dragged anyone else into it. I do have major trust issues, and still feel very uneasy that my ‘friends’ never stuck up for me, even those who knew she was lying.

I’m sorry for the rant, I just wanted to acknowledge my feelings.

Lucy.

Here Again?

It’s hard to believe that in less than three weeks I’ll be in my final year of GCSEs. The summer is drawing to a close and uniform shopping has really made it crystal clear.

The thing is though, that it’s my last time being ‘here’, because I am not staying in that hellhole of a school for one year longer. I’m moving. I don’t care that everyone will think that I got kicked out because I failed my GCSEs (the school will most likely spin it that way), even though I am was a top student until I lost the motivation to even try. It’s not like I’m going to miss my “friends”, or the teachers that dragged me deeper into the abyss when I was battling depression.

My motivation this year is that I need at least 7 C grades at GCSE and 95% attendance to go to the school where I want to study my A Levels. Therefore, fuck everyone this year – I am focusing on me. Me, myself and I. Is it selfish? Yes. But sometimes you have to be.

I am going to stay out of fights, complete all my homework, listen in Biology and Religion and revise in the canteen in the morning. I will keep clean and tidy revision notes, and not fret over irrelevant things. And I will get A grades.

Lucy.

That’s Okay

I was comparing my stats. In 2014, I had over 12,000 views but more than half way through 2015, I have just over 5,000. I questioned myself “where did I go wrong?” and I realised that I didn’t go wrong, I’ve just had a huge change of direction in my blog. I post a lot less and above all my depression posts are a lot less frequent. People just love a bit of misery.

stats

I’m a lot happier now compared to where I was in 2013 and 2014, and if that results in a drop of views, I’m okay with that.

Lucy. 

Pride 2015

Belfast Pride was a fabulous day. You should all go someday, I even tried to look less goth like and wore a Lion King hoodie, it’s a start, right? Belfast Pride 2015

Lucy.

Eww

Ingrown toenails aren’t pretty, deffo. I thought I was gonna die yesterday when the podiatrist tried to perform a partial nail avulsion without local anaesthetic. Don’t worry, I survived to tell you about it. She says that I will probably need a total nail avulsion, but at least this time I will get pain relief and they will apply phenol to stop it returning. Yay?

Lucy.

Making Progress?

My dose of fluoxetine has been halved and I’m coming off it all together in a few weeks. All of this without major impact. I thought that I was suffering from “withdrawal” the first day, but it was just a surprise period. I’m curious to see if they become more regular without the fluoxetine.

I’m amazed that I am beginning to live without fluoxetine. While I initially thought that it was the devil, it became my saviour; I was terrified when coming off it was first suggested.  Maybe, I will relapse at some point but for now I feel pretty good. I refuse to say that I am cured from depression – I don’t think that’s fully possible – however it’s under control and that’s a good feeling.

Lucy.

The Current Life of LucyBre

Reading: Mary Berry’s Ultimate Cake Book

Mary Berry Ultimate Cake BookListening to: Queen + Adam Lambert Bohemian Rhapsody

Wearing: Long sleeved t-shirt, boyfriend shorts and Adidas trainers

Next Long Sleeved T-shirt – £6.50

Adidas Nizza Lo Trainers – £49

New Look boyfriend shorts – £10 (sale)

Feeling: Pretty good. I have lowered my dose of fluoxetine, but that’s another post.

Sleeping hours: 3am-1pm. Summer sleeping times are weird

Worried about: My blogging activity

Lucy.